guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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