Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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