my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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