He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I can text with my tongue
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
