Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
