He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize