why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize