her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
