My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
