So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Who died my cat blue again?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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