i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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