i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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