those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
