why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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