the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
