Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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