I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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