My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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