She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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