The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
