Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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