She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Randomize
