does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
please come you make the beer taste better
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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