I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
