Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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