I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
