Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
