Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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