Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
