we're chasing vodka with high fives
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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