this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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