Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
