i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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