Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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