Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
