i barfeds in our rink
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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