Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
