I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
