Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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