I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
