he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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