Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
