Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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