Your face is a jimmy john
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize