Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
