He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
being pregnant is like rehab
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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