I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
