i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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