I can tuck mytits in my pants
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
