saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
