Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
