dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
