I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
