I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
