i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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