I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
