I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
