Apparently you make a good broom.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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