Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
